Olivia Piepmeier

Red Velvet Batter

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Monday, November 20, 2023
Category: dessert
Watercolor illustration of a "slice" of the Red Velvet Batter. The bottom is a red rectangle with some attempt at shading at the bottom and top to show it being cooked. On top is the dollop of cream cheese frosting with some silver and grey to show depth.

inspired by Hungry Blonde

Ingredients

Batter:

  • 1 box red velvet cake mix
  • 1/4 c. canola oil (another neutral oil would probably work, but I think the canola helps make it taste grocery-store-like…a positive!)
  • 1 egg, beaten
  • milk, 1/4 c. at most…probably?

Frosting:

  • 8 oz. cream cheese, softened
  • 1/4 c. butter, softened
  • 1 c. powdered sugar
  • 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
  • Dash of salt


Directions

  1. Preheat oven to 350F.
  2. Grease a 8x8” pan.
  3. Dump the cake mix in a medium bowl.
  4. Stir in the oil and egg.
  5. Slowly add the milk and mix, stopping when it’s just barely come together. It’s going to be ridiculously thick but that’s the point (and also why I hesitate to give a precise measurement here).
  6. Put the batter in the pan and do your best to stretch it out to the sides (that’s how thick it’ll be!).
  7. Bake for 22-25 minutes or just until set with the edges clearly looking cooked. It would be a waste of everyone’s time to stick a toothpick in it - we want it underdone!
  8. Let cool for 40 minutes at least, for ultimate gobbling temperature and texture. It will probably sink some in the middle, leaving an obvious crusty (but not actually crusty) border - this is normal!
  9. This is a great time to make the frosting. Beat the cream cheese and butter until fully combined.
  10. Add vanilla, sugar, and salt.
  11. Continue beating until fully combined and fluffy.
  12. Dump all the frosting on top of the cooled batter.


Thoughts

Sometimes, you just crave trash. It can’t just be me, right? I imagine others that grew up in the western world and fell for capitalism’s trap of being extremely susceptible to extremely-processed-food marketing, despite how they eat and consume now, know what I’m talking about. Often this results in me buying cotton candy ice cream or if I’m feeling “elevated,” I’ll make a birthday cake (just kidding, I only let myself do that on a birthday) or usually I make this (or with yellow cake mix, no frosting needed). Not too often, though, because it is divinely grotesque and I cannot be trusted around it unsupervised.

The main way I’ve altered this recipe is reducing sugar in the frosting and adding a teeny tiny bit of salt, so maybe this barely meets the requirements for my blogging? It’s so good and so junky, I felt the need to share if only to humanize my otherwise staunch food philosophy.